At The Store

 At the store

I see a teenage boy who weighs more than 300 pounds

No smile on his face

I see lobsters In a tank

And me sad

While others aren't

They remind me of love

So much love towards this boy

So much love bonding eye to eye 

With my dear lobster hearts 

They remind me 

We all go thru our tortures and our trials

But within their eyes and within their spark 

There is God

Within mine, too 

And as compassion collides

The bridge of love and spark

expands.

Surviving the covid wounds

Unfailing ties
Amongst the ones who have crossed along the same path
The path of the wounds that plague our existence..  for a while
The wounds that feel like a deep plunge, as our body feels within it- all of its destruction

But never would those wounds know the wisdom within it we gained
And the love
And the understanding
Of what truly matters

Lots of faces out there
half seen
Masks covering their nose and mouth
Masks sometimes not worn right
Those previously sick want to scream- please put those masks on right.. It's not worth it.
They know the wounds. They know its dense destruction.


In a world where before there were gatherings
Even long lines amongst people, in places like Disney World, was never a thought of concern
Now we live in a different phase of life
To many, a more careful one
To some, a nonchalant tone
To others, they have lived the great wounds of this awful virus
And feel the unending ties
Amongst the ones who have crossed along the same path and wounds

We pray
In solidarity for each other
We cry
When the other cries
We laugh
When the other laughs
We sigh when the other is well

We keep praying
And with each new day
We see the sun and rain
The birds still sing
The flowers still blossom

The tragedies of life
Mourns our hearts forever
May turns into June and one year ends into a new one
May the love be forever

Amongst the ones who have crossed along the same path and wounds
We love

Time has gone by. Many things have happened. Many emotions. Many branches. Many trees. Many falls. Many ups. Many downs. But as we watch movies from many years ago, we see struggles come and struggles go (even if it's 1920, even if it's 1740, and even if it's 2012).  Peaceful moments shine and sometimes they don't. Joy sets in and sometimes it doesn't. 

Even today, I notice. Sometimes it's nice to experience "having an hour pass by" while waiting for an oil change. I notice the world around me. I notice a car salesman smiling at me while saying hello while  I wait at the car dealership for my oil change. A man looked at me with the desire for me to buy a car.  It wasn't an authentic hello. It was a hello with an added craving.  It was a hello within a desire around it. It didn't feel peaceful. But I understood. It is part of being human. To deal with our desires, peacefully or not. Some use the gift of charm. Some struggle with it. But in this show, we know when our gifts to share come from the mind and it's logical and emotional sense, or if it comes

from something greater. Something wiser.  

I relate to this struggle because as humans, we strive to be a good salesman, an effective speaker, a whatever it is that makes us feel grand, wanted, accepted, reassured.. that we are good, skillful, wanted, and loved. 

I remember going to a retreat and after the owner mentioned the thought of wanting to hire someone with my skills I thought "wow, I could definitely see myself working here. " I got so excited but all of a sudden, the desire of wanting the job made me feel a bit insecure around the owner. I wanted something "from her" to fulfill my peace. My reasonings deep down were that by working in an environment that uses organic food, and that promotes healthy living, that it would assist in my own life path; and as true as this was, I also felt myself losing my peace. I started seeing the "little girl inside" being activated. And I noticed when I was around the owner, I "wanted something from her" and I could no longer be myself. As if she has the key to my peace, to my happiness, to my joy. And without her "wanting me to be part of her team" I felt a special if it was something very personal and heartbreaking. I'm sure the vibes I threw out was probably stressful because within I felt stressed out. There were different levels of emotions from initially sheer excitement, to questioning whether they "wanted me or not", to feeling "not wanted", to feeling "rejected". And then a number of months later  I found out they hired someone with the skills I was trained in and it broke my hearts even more so as it solidified the fact in my brain that "I wasn't good enough (for them) to be in their team". The part that broke me is I knew I could have really shared some wonderful gifts there, but they never really saw me, not truly me. They saw this "girl who wanted to be part of someone's team- the same little girl who was picked last when 12 years old (when her gym teacher chose two team leaders to select their team members for a volleyball game). Growing up I often felt left out, often felt not wanted, and often felt less than. But who is this person who felt this (both as a child and as an adult)? It was the human within the human being within. The human who got lost because she thought she was how others treated her. 

It's a moment to moment thing. We think we are. We think we're not. There comes a point, more and more, we bring love to whatever arises and heal thru that love, thru the going thru it, thru the surviving it, thru the understanding of it. Thru the mastering it's brinks and its holes and it's swallowing depths and its shadows.  

The wonderous surprise is the compassion we thus hold when another goes thru something similar, something we can relate to. Maybe that's why movies are so powerful. We heal thru others. We are mirror images. We are mirror counterparts. We are the darkness and we are the light. We are the crossroads and we are the shining armour. We are the invisible wind and we are the light of yonder. We are all of it. We are none of it. The space that holds no room is a nothingness that is everything at the same time. Perhaps we are this expansive light. Always perfect, always whole, always forever enduring all, and we've entered here within these bodies, eventually thinking we are separate bodies, lost and afraid, or charming to manipulate to get te pleasures we seek, to seek that which we've already always been. The space of within and throughout our cells that connect like this shimmering of light that blends all stars as one... And as we feels the stars all blending as one, we know our light is like the stars.. we all blend as one, and within that space, there is no longer a seeking "out there" to fill the void "in here". We are beyond human feelings and human objects- we are beings of light, and human beings we eventually open and surrender like a flower does- to the sun. 

A little about life.. 

We want to swim in the ocean but we may fear for sharks. We want to share whatever gift with the public but we may fear for our safety. We have children but we may fear because we want them to be alright. There’s this bridge and this gap that bleeds us or frees us. They say it’s not what we do, but the peace within what we do.. But sometimes fear is evident, it’s important, it gives us the power to run, the adrenaline to shout, or fight back, if we have to. But when is fear false fear versus true fear.. ? When is fear limiting our life versus enhancing it? 

We may drive to work everyday, but there’s risks, accidents sometimes do occur. I’ve been in some, they suck. Some of us may not even want to drive because we may have gone thru a bad accident. But eventually if the need of driving is that great, we may just overcome our fear, or not. 

Swimming in the ocean too is liberating, amazing, splendid, freeing. The chances of risks are there, but do we weigh the risks versus the pleasure? Which one wins? And if fear wins, is our life as wonderful without the splashing in the ocean waves?

People, such amazing people, have been killed in this life, thru gun shots and other forms of violence. It can easily make us close our hearts even more. Perhaps we already did, in our own ways, close our hearts long ago. Perhaps our parents, siblings, etc.. growing up weren’t supportive or loving enough. Maybe the criticized more than they encouraged us. Perhaps we felt neglected more than loved. Perhaps they were just too busy, for other things, not us. Perhaps they were violent, sporadic, in their behavior and expression. Perhaps they died, when we were young, and taught us, it’s not safe to love, for “it goes away”. 

Parents too, they have their share of responsibilities and fears. They have to take care of an innocent child, when they, themselves, may not even “have it all together”. Life is hard, it can be expensive, it can be trialling. Then there’s guilt.. “I should have done this or that…” Sometimes the guilt is open and authentic, and sometimes it’s blocked, and masked from such shame that one may pretend it’s all okay, focusing on distraction to mend their pain. And instead of healing with their family whatever pain, they pretend “it’s all okay”, focusing on their image and reputation, versus what really happened and the healing it takes to go beyond it all. We are often identified by what we do and what we don’t do. And we identify others, just the same. When in fact is, that we all fall, and we all get up. We all do things that we are not proud of, and do other things that we are proud of. We become executives to our own image, we want to be a good spouse, good parent, good child, good preacher, and we cover up all the ugly and disguise it with pretty flowers. 

But pretty flowers die too.

We want and we have needs for all things good.. We want to be well, and wish that onto our loved ones.. We want security, longevity, safety, love, meaning, purpose, acceptance, kindness, respect.. but we know we not always get it.. What a dilemma. Our expectations are at times magnified, and we keep getting hurt. Were our expectations realistic even? We may tell people over and over again what we don’t like, but they continue to do what we don’t like. It’s easy with certain friends as we part ways firmly and without reservation. But with certain family, there is at times extra pressure.. Extra bursts of anger. And all the other feelings that comply within our struggles. And so even with our families we at times, we put up the stake, and say “no more, that’s enough, enough.” Discreet or not, they listen or don’t listen. It cycles, the turmoil.. Until eventually, it doesn’t as much.. It’s a gradual unfolding, of sorts. 

But that’s when we reckon if love is really a craving, a yearning, or an unconditional love we have for humanity. Human pain is human pain. It wants, it needs, it’s selfish at times, it’s insecure at times too. We get it. We understand it. It’s like a lost child.

I saw this movie the other day of two people that opened up a restaurant, and they were so nice, so cool, so peaceful, until they knew they were going to have an important critic come to the restaurant. They started acting so fearful all of a sudden. They didn’t want them to give them a bad “score”. And so they prepared, not out of peace but out of fear. They changed the already nice furniture they had. They changed the already nice menu they had. But within all the changing was this stress, that was apparent in their faces, as each customer walked into the restaurant. We all may be able to relate to them. We remember when we wanted that job so bad, or that boyfriend so bad.. Or girlfriend… And especially when we didn’t feel it was mutual, it sparked some buttons. We wanted to be loved, to be wanted.. And it stung so bad when we weren’t. 

So what is love and what is want? 

What is love and what is fear?

What is love and what is not love?

And importantly, what is instinctive fear, and what is the reasoning of trauma that believes it to be real?

I’ve seen people die, me included. And still forget sometimes ahhh.. the peace and aliveness that lies within despite the lifeless body. I’ve come to see that even though a body is lifeless doesn’t mean we are lifeless. I love when I am reminded that our outer body is our shell, not our forever selves.

I’ve had hypnosis leading back ages ago, and I’ve “died many times” and I’m still here. 

I’m dropping many of these fears… dammit.. 

Only staying present, the truth will guide me in each moment to what is right. and not.. 

It's been a long while since I've shared on this blog.

Throughout these posts, I find pictures, I find memories..

I've written about faith, love, hardships, joy...

And then I've stopped to remember how I love poetry, how I love creative expression, I love how the heart speaks, it sings, it feels, it loves.

So I will find a poem or so I wrote recently and share it.


Within the silence for there is no electricity or play
I turn to the beloved that I lost
I lost it to the wind
The wind of noise
It carried a more prestigious sound
A more distracting one
But it lied, for it always
led me there
Never here

Yet within the silence
Silence forces me to come back home

There is no television without electric

There is no light

There is no light but the endless light within my soul and within my heart

And as all the other lights turn off
The silence guides me back to the light that
always
has stayed on

And it's clear
And it's sweet
And it's calm
And it's subtle
And it's warm
The peace inside
That has never been lost, but just forgotten, until now

So dear night, I don't worry
I only thank you for the breeze of spring and the silence you offer, after the rain.

Life is like an intricate flower. Sometimes the flower blooms and sometimes it just doesn't. As much as we would want it to, sometimes it just doesn't. But within that closure of the bud, something happens. Something happens that is meant to happen. And in a morning without thought or reason, a magical scent from the garden appears. She comes forth and opens her heart again. And I open mine. And together we delight within the peace of sharing.

I miss you
I miss how you looked at me with such love
I miss you

You really really knew how to love
And I remember holding you
Holding you until your last day
I wasn't always strong
But I know you loved me anyway

I loved how your head rested on my lap
I would feel you calm
And as you would calm
My heart felt so at peace

I miss your breath
Each breath that breathed alongside me

I miss your warmth and sweetness
And how you shined with your little bright eyes
Whenever you looked at me
Luckily I still have a video of you looking back
And seeing me
With joy and excitement
You made me feel so loved
And accepted
In thi