A little about life.. 

We want to swim in the ocean but we may fear for sharks. We want to share whatever gift with the public but we may fear for our safety. We have children but we may fear because we want them to be alright. There’s this bridge and this gap that bleeds us or frees us. They say it’s not what we do, but the peace within what we do.. But sometimes fear is evident, it’s important, it gives us the power to run, the adrenaline to shout, or fight back, if we have to. But when is fear false fear versus true fear.. ? When is fear limiting our life versus enhancing it? 

We may drive to work everyday, but there’s risks, accidents sometimes do occur. I’ve been in some, they suck. Some of us may not even want to drive because we may have gone thru a bad accident. But eventually if the need of driving is that great, we may just overcome our fear, or not. 

Swimming in the ocean too is liberating, amazing, splendid, freeing. The chances of risks are there, but do we weigh the risks versus the pleasure? Which one wins? And if fear wins, is our life as wonderful without the splashing in the ocean waves?

People, such amazing people, have been killed in this life, thru gun shots and other forms of violence. It can easily make us close our hearts even more. Perhaps we already did, in our own ways, close our hearts long ago. Perhaps our parents, siblings, etc.. growing up weren’t supportive or loving enough. Maybe the criticized more than they encouraged us. Perhaps we felt neglected more than loved. Perhaps they were just too busy, for other things, not us. Perhaps they were violent, sporadic, in their behavior and expression. Perhaps they died, when we were young, and taught us, it’s not safe to love, for “it goes away”. 

Parents too, they have their share of responsibilities and fears. They have to take care of an innocent child, when they, themselves, may not even “have it all together”. Life is hard, it can be expensive, it can be trialling. Then there’s guilt.. “I should have done this or that…” Sometimes the guilt is open and authentic, and sometimes it’s blocked, and masked from such shame that one may pretend it’s all okay, focusing on distraction to mend their pain. And instead of healing with their family whatever pain, they pretend “it’s all okay”, focusing on their image and reputation, versus what really happened and the healing it takes to go beyond it all. We are often identified by what we do and what we don’t do. And we identify others, just the same. When in fact is, that we all fall, and we all get up. We all do things that we are not proud of, and do other things that we are proud of. We become executives to our own image, we want to be a good spouse, good parent, good child, good preacher, and we cover up all the ugly and disguise it with pretty flowers. 

But pretty flowers die too.

We want and we have needs for all things good.. We want to be well, and wish that onto our loved ones.. We want security, longevity, safety, love, meaning, purpose, acceptance, kindness, respect.. but we know we not always get it.. What a dilemma. Our expectations are at times magnified, and we keep getting hurt. Were our expectations realistic even? We may tell people over and over again what we don’t like, but they continue to do what we don’t like. It’s easy with certain friends as we part ways firmly and without reservation. But with certain family, there is at times extra pressure.. Extra bursts of anger. And all the other feelings that comply within our struggles. And so even with our families we at times, we put up the stake, and say “no more, that’s enough, enough.” Discreet or not, they listen or don’t listen. It cycles, the turmoil.. Until eventually, it doesn’t as much.. It’s a gradual unfolding, of sorts. 

But that’s when we reckon if love is really a craving, a yearning, or an unconditional love we have for humanity. Human pain is human pain. It wants, it needs, it’s selfish at times, it’s insecure at times too. We get it. We understand it. It’s like a lost child.

I saw this movie the other day of two people that opened up a restaurant, and they were so nice, so cool, so peaceful, until they knew they were going to have an important critic come to the restaurant. They started acting so fearful all of a sudden. They didn’t want them to give them a bad “score”. And so they prepared, not out of peace but out of fear. They changed the already nice furniture they had. They changed the already nice menu they had. But within all the changing was this stress, that was apparent in their faces, as each customer walked into the restaurant. We all may be able to relate to them. We remember when we wanted that job so bad, or that boyfriend so bad.. Or girlfriend… And especially when we didn’t feel it was mutual, it sparked some buttons. We wanted to be loved, to be wanted.. And it stung so bad when we weren’t. 

So what is love and what is want? 

What is love and what is fear?

What is love and what is not love?

And importantly, what is instinctive fear, and what is the reasoning of trauma that believes it to be real?

I’ve seen people die, me included. And still forget sometimes ahhh.. the peace and aliveness that lies within despite the lifeless body. I’ve come to see that even though a body is lifeless doesn’t mean we are lifeless. I love when I am reminded that our outer body is our shell, not our forever selves.

I’ve had hypnosis leading back ages ago, and I’ve “died many times” and I’m still here. 

I’m dropping many of these fears… dammit.. 

Only staying present, the truth will guide me in each moment to what is right. and not..