The screams from the soul

The pain buried while we're hurried 

With life somehow


It all seems okay until we can no longer hurry life enough

Because the pain is greater than anything else


Satisfaction is no longer satisfaction 

Distractions no longer give the necessary distraction  to take away the hole from the heart's greatest wounds


The heart

Is there deep within

Before it was nice to help the world

It softened the heart many times

But getting really sick and getting really stuck within grief and pain definitely is a true confirmation of who the truest friends are and who the truest friends aren't

So the cries

Continue

Mostly alone

The bed seems to have glue

I can't seem to get off of it

But I can

But I can't

But I have to

Even if I must

But there is no urgency yet

But there should be

Deep down I hope there should be

Maybe soon

The willingness has to be stronger

Than the feeling of stuck

Why

Why

Why is it so hard these days

Please dear God

I know I got this

I can do this
I can I can I can I can
(While i nod no)

Maybe will believe this soon

(Trying to) Make peace with this world

 (Trying to) Make peace with this world


There is cruelty as there is kindness
This world has both of them
And it's not shy of showing it, sometimes

This world can be unpredictable and can also be prejudiced
This world can be insensitive and can also be mean

And then a kind heart arrives and reminds us back it is not all bad
Sometimes there is good, not just bad

But how can a person be a sinner and a saint
How can we ourselves give in to temptations that may not feel kind, whether in how we treat ourselves or others.
Sometimes not kind is a word too nice.. to describe the things we may do, or the things others do.

Many wish to create a certain image.. a certain reputation.. and they may be willing to lie.. deceive.. and hurt.. in order to  keep that image 'pure'

But what is pure and what is authentic.
Do we seek a mental image or do we seek authenticity?

Many live in hurt from all the hurt that has hurt their wounds
They perceive this world as unsafe, as untrustworthy

And maybe after years and lifetimes we come to a genuine understanding

That this cycle is a cycle.

And eventually every fire eventually burns out

No reasoning or logic can heal a tortured heart

Perhaps rather, our feelings and trauma eventually come back to a heart beyond human

Love is beyond human

The love in which all love is available to love carries within a definition that may feel more infinite versus finite.

Humanity feels cursed, yet perhaps
We're meant to understand humanity and its violence and its failures as well as its virtues and strengths.

Can we ever make peace with it?
Can we ever realize people will hate and people will love
There are consequences to hating, and many jails exist
So many jails exist
So many victims exist

We react
We react
I win you lose
I lose you win
But we
Isn't there an integration?
Aren't we from the same tree?
No, no way, we think of some and their evil ways..

There are so many layers
So many layers
So many personalitiesZ
So many illnesses
So many situations that are unforgivable

Bitter heart
Cries
And screams

Eventually the fire burns out outside
Eventually we're ready to extinguish the fire inside too


Time is time
Readiness is readiness

True justice is finding our freedom
And not getting completely taken by this humanity that at times is often calculated and flawed.

Empty awareness
Angelic flight
The density lessens
The butterfly is light enough to fly again now
It's been too long
It's been too long. 

When I forgive

When I forgive the other I forgive myself. 

When I forgive myself I forgive the other. 

My wish

To go beyond habit.. addiction.. mental agony.. and beliefs that are self sabotaging, IS courage. May we wear our truth well, knowing we deserve that which is beyond these limited traits that try to take over our soul. May we not let it!! May we know our worth, even if we have to at whatever age, and grow those seeds of truth from scratch. May we unlearn every lie and may we learn again to fly. That is my wish for us all!!!!

The disease can lie -mental health

 I just heard about how Naomi Judd recently died and saw the interview her daughter felt the need to have to do. Her daughter mentioned that even though it was too soon after her mother's death to have an interview like this, she and her family felt they needed to speak, so at least, the public can hear from her first and foremost (as she was speaking in behalf of the family) and not from others, as sadly the story will come out one way or another. So I gathered from what she said how there was who Naomi was and there was also what the disease was. And how sometimes the disease makes people do what they do. I believe she said something along the lines of how the disease makes one feel unworthy, and how the disease makes one feel lots of things that are not true. 

It's really sad when we allow 'the disease'  of mental health to make the decisions of what to do with our lives and with our bodies. A decision can be staying in bed all day because we don't think we can do anything productive. A decision can be to grab a knife and end it all because it's not worth it, because we're not worth it. Or a decision can be anything in between. The sad part is when we believe it. The sad part is when we believe we deserve anything absent from kindness. The sad part is sometimes perhaps we were taught at an early age that we were not good or we were not this or we were not that and that sometimes it stuck. The sad part is to believe lies. And act on it. The sad part is when we feel alone because we think others don't care, when indeed may be certain others do. 

Sometimes the "disease" really pretends to be us, yet it is based many times on past trauma and beliefs, rather misbeliefs, portrayed to be true, yet are nothing of the sort. 

To move beyond mountains is to sometimes move beyond a state of mind that can be so self harming. Some people are so good at being the narcissistic type, the one to abuse and manipulate another person for self gratification. Yet other people may have gotten really good at believing lies that they are not good, that they are not strong, that they are not smart, that they are not worthy, that they can't, that they can't, that there is no hope, that they will continue to fail. And it feels as if they are (or the disease rather) abusive to themselves. 

Naomi Judd, I'm so sorry for your pain. 

Naomi Judd, I'm so sorry you felt you needed to take your life. 

Thank you for your music, your heart, and the teachings you are reminding us today. 

I am reminded to not believe the "disease". 

I sometimes do believe the "disease".

I pray for everyone going thru mental health issues. 

I pray for all of us going thru suffering of any kind. 

I pray we look outside the box.

Sometimes the answer is not within our habits or beliefs (as many beliefs are often jaded)

We can!

We can!!

We can!!!

We can

Master 

Our thoughts.

One moment at a time

Lies the opportunity for new habits 

And ways to do things differently

So we can trust ourselves more.

We may feel a sense of accomplishment because we DID this today..

We may feel another sense of accomplishment because we did that today...

We may feel bad because we went back to old habits again...

We may self sabotage....

And after some months get back again and treat ourselves well again...

And then maybe after some months, we may get stuck upon old ways again..making us lose trust in ourselves again..feeling overwhelmed with life again..

Maybe

Hopefully

We come to a point 

That we become honest with ourselves and understand that regardless REGARDLESS if we accomplished this... or that...

Or if we did not accomplish this.. or that..

That we are still worthy of love 

It almost feels like "the disease" or rather (to me it feels like) the traumas growing up made us believe that to be loved, we needed to be this way or that way..etc..etc..

But who is to say..

What if... 

What if....

What if.... we could be open to the notion that we are LOVED, regardless (REGARDLESS) if we accomplish this/that or whether we don't. 

What if... what if... we can be open to the idea of loving ourselves unconditionally just like we always wanted others to love us unconditionally. Perhaps we always wanted others to accept us as we are (instead of criticize, or control us to be what they want us to be, etc). Perhaps we always wanted others to respect us (our autonomy, our wishes, our rights, our space). But what if everything we have been taught out there is a reminder to love ourselves and accept ourselves and respect ourselves in ways that we deserve. And instead of depending on others to love and accept and respect us, we choose to step into that role ourselves. 

But then comes the "disease". The habits are strong and the tendencies are deep. The root of this spineless tree needs an axe or two, or rather 10, and many years of breaking it into extinction. Can the "disease" ever be broken into extinction?

May we look within to the pain that perhaps has felt silenced within 

May we look within to the cries that have felt unnoticed and invalidated

May we look within and let our body teach us what it needs

May we look within and call the "disease" a different name

There once was a time this little child, strong and curious, met the fury of the world. This child no longer saw himself or herself as strong and curious anymore. 

Everytime another beating took place (whether the beating was emotional, mental, physical, sexual, etc) the child became more confused. The child had to create some kinds of beliefs. Perhaps the child thought there was something wrong with him or her, otherwise why would anyone do something so hurtful.. the reasonings turned into beliefs.. one by one.. the beliefs turned into a disease... one by one..

Sometimes its not what we do but the peace within what we do

Sometimes before feeling able to accomplish whatever we want to accomplish..

 whatever tasks

Or whatever desire we seek...

Maybe we can first focus on the foundation.

Maybe our soul really needs our heart to open up to whatever we can or whatever we can't  (as maybe in the moment we may feel we can't because we are struggling with something in particular). 

We sometimes are hard on ourselves

We want to be able to do a,b, and c yet "the disease" keeps us stuck it seems. 

So maybe instead of the "disease" being the enemy,

Maybe we can see it

As the part of us, deep within, that felt alone and scared, as a child, perhaps.

Maybe

We are not who we think we are

In truth

We are so much more than that

Please God

Help me 

Help us

Find our way

To truth.

Let us not be tempted by the addictions we've created and in the beliefs that sometimes feel (that is bigger than anything we could ever think ourselves to be)

What we think ourselves to be may not be who we are

May our exploration continue

But 

Let us not stay too long amongst lies 

My heart accompanies you

 A note to self

'My heart accompanies you'

I used these words today for my friend
Yet I see these words deserve them
To be used for myself as well

And so I will

My heart accompanies you
I know sometimes it doesn't
I know sometimes that my actions don't show
The kindness that deserves to flow
Within my path

I know that habits sometimes are stronger
Than my perseverance
My will sometimes becomes faded
My time sometimes becomes jaded

A feeling of 'I can't' uphold subconscious streams
While cries and screams try to climb out of these prison beams
My cat cries perhaps he hears mine
My heart heartbroken with life

The mind is definitely a winded channel
It seems we must figure out what is hoax and what to rattle

I rattle the lies that started when I was young
Being told 'this and that' helped them feel strong

We can go beyond whatever measure within our restrictions
If we can only first see the lies that are imprinted within the structure of our visions

An innocent child starts out life sometimes with curiosity and eyes full of life
But sometimes the darkness preys and gazes upon the light
It manipulates and brainwashes, and always for control
And the innocent child now sees life as the other's creation created its unfold

Years later
Pain later
And lots of confusion

Stuck feelings
Stuck being
And stuck within illusions

We get mad at ourselves because we're not efficient with our time
But when we think about it wisely
We are just healing as best as we could ever have realized

Healing is a day to day journey it helps to be compassionate
Slowly things become more clear
as we fill ourselves with love and kindness

No longer do we choose patterns that reflect upon our past
Probably because we've been there.. done that..  

Far too many times.. perhaps

It's a new moment
What can I do now
I can change the sails
And see a new horizon with oceans of a clear blue

But somedays the rain become louder than pain
And it's good, it's a good distraction so that I can feel less pain today

Everyday is a struggle in a tortured heart
Until the torture is cared for by a beloved heart
And so I look within and see the traumas inside of me
And give it the kindness that it deserves to see


Dear body within I choose to be your friend
I know it's hard for you to trust

Yet you still let my heart go in

Dear body within I'm sorry that I don't know how to self love
The way you need right now
I might need your guidance and I hope you remind me with a tug or two somehow
I may need a boost or a help
I'm so used to spending my life loving everyone else

But truly I want to be your best friend dear body within
You went thru enough misery to deserve even more from me

So now I get up because I know I can
May depression kiss my ass
Because I'm ready to heal the pain

I know it takes courage to not resist the walls within
But how can I heal the wounds when I just want to cover it, and bury it in

Little by little the shattered pieces...
I continue to pick them up
It's a moment to moment thing 

this life... these thoughts...

Even if the courage takes years
I'm willing to act patiently
Some people really did a number on me
You would think old men wouldn't want to touch little girls sexually

Many years later
I realize
This world has 2 trees
One that you want to hug
And the other one that bites because snakes live in it constantly

It's ok
It just takes more mindfulness to know what we can trust
But I'm learning the wisest thing is the thing that comes from our  own deepest love

Everyday
Is a journey
The lack of love we have felt
Eventually does surface out thru our pores
And little by little we face it as best as we can,
While giving it our all, while giving it our best

We fall
We get
Up
And again we fall

We learn to get up better
We learn to stay up longer
Even though we still often fall

Meditation has been a saving grace
Even though it takes bravery to sit with the pain we often never want to face

It takes friendship to mend a broken heart
And when we can be a best friend to ourselves
What a pretty start
Well may not be pretty all the time
It's like learning to drive a stick
Change is sometimes difficult
The car suddenly keeps stopping
Each time we shift

But life is like that
Even if things start clumsily
May we keep going

WE ARE WORTH IT!!
And even though we may have been told by many others
We weren't, they DIDN'T know shit!!

We ARE special
Large banner
We say it loud
And after a while of convincing ourselves
Perhaps we actually believe it, if we allow

Oh dear God
Please help me accommodate my pain
May my heart accompany each cry
May my mind be ready to shed rain 
Of how lost souls used me for their gain
I choose to go beyond it
I choose God
I choose faith

I choose God
I choose faith

I choose God
I choose faith

First mother's day without my Mom

A number of people wished me a happy mother's day earlier today, being I'm a mom to kitties and a doggie. As well as hoping I hang in there today, given the circumstances. 

Honestly, for me the goal today was about surviving today. Today is my first mother's day without my mom. I did not know how to do this. I have been sadly dreading today.... I have been dreading it for weeks. Last week I endured my first birthday without her. And found myself crying most of the day. And now this. 

I started this morning early, as I wanted to be at the cemetery first thing, so that I am there mainly alone, without noise, without others. Why did I not want to see others? Pain perhaps..? And privacy.. to just be. 

So was there at 8:01 am, 1 minute after they opened. I was in my car infront of the front gate while the man who works there was on the verge of unlocking the gate. I saw the chain around the gate. And I saw his hand  and saw him holding a key. And it felt like all of this was happening in slow motion. He eventually opened the gate. And I drove in.

I brought a large cotton veil (or large wrap around scarf.. whatever the name) with me, but didn't realize until at her grave site that it's the perfect size, as it's large enough to lie over it. Felt good to be alone within solitude, so yes, makes sense now. I wanted to be alone so that I could cry freely, or express freely, or lie down in a fetal position freely.., likely the same fetal position almost like when it all started for me within her, upon my birth. And here I am now, in a fetal position, but this time above her (at her grave site). 

Anyway,  what irony.

I gradually worked towards being a little more ok with what is; which is being at a cemetery, on  mother's day. 

Terribly surreal. 

Horribly surreal.

Unquestionably terrible and horrifying. 

And heartbreaking. 

So to help 'somewhat'.. I took some pictures of each flower I brought. They really were pretty. One flower looked more like a plant because it was green but it looked like a rose with the layers of leaves circling around the center. It almost looked like a small cabbage. 

The pink roses, of various shades, within the arrangement were in full bloom. It wasn't that the flowers were pre or post bloom, it was more that the blooms were at its peak. It was in its peak of bloom, of beauty and of scent. 

Maybe the 'perfect flower' reminded me of the perfection that sometimes we see and in the perfection in which we often desire. Maybe it also reminded me that sometimes we don't see the perfection in other things and that either way, maybe love is seeing beyond the perfection. Maybe love is seeing thru the imperfection and knowing that the imperfection perhaps is within the perfection of what is meant to be experienced. 

 

After admiring the flowers and seeing its beauty. I felt a tad more peaceful and placed my hands upon the earth. I saw a couple of pieces of shattered glass on the surface of the earth (at my mom's grave site). I thought that was strange and peculiar. 

Why would there be broken glass there? In a way, contrary to the roses within peak bloom and peak perfection, the crushed glass reminded me of the shattering imperfections of life. It led me somehow to the feeling of compassion. To being reminded of the flaws that each human persona posesses. 

The flaws of my mom. The flaws of my own. The flaws of everyone. I placed those two little pieces of glass inside the bouquet of flowers (within the cup of water that the flower stems were contained in). Somehow the imperfect with the perfect created a 'balanced' grace. To me it symbolized the contrasts of human existence. And how these flowers (perfection) and the glass (imperfection) are actually more parallel to each other versus the opposite. 

Yin and yang. Good and bad. Perfect and not perfect. One helps us see the other. One helps us appreciate the other. One helps us understand the other. One eventually leads us to build compassion, and only by seeing both can we understand both, and really go beyond both. 

Maybe our brokenness eventually helps us see our wholeness, our truth; that lasts beyond death, or rather what we believe death to be really.. because what is death, and what is it not?? If the everlasting soul is everlasting that is..

I felt my mom's love. I felt who she is now. I saw past who she was then. I felt my mom's core not just the surface of persona she was, or the persona that in all of us we are. To really feel the love that is always available to love right now versus the craving for crumbs within the restrictions of human persona is an evolution of sorts beyond the perceptions and desires of human consciousness. What is love and what is what we think is love? My mom's persona or the persona in all of us really is what I think is love (and or the potential for love) and who I experience her as now is love. It feels different. It feels way different. Yet it doesn't remove the pain full on. I wish it did. 

The perfectly bloomed  rose  and the imperfectly shattered glass brings me back to the reminder of what is love versus what 'I'm think love is. And who is I? Who is me? Am I just the glass most times within peak rose perfection at other times. Or is it all me? Is it all we? Are we the glass plus the rose plus all of it, all combined within the stillness of spark beyond it all? 

That love which is beyond anything, yet it is everything within and beyond each thing, is a gift.  Maybe the gift is not in the object or persona, but in the treasure of lights, that is within all. 

I felt moments of peace. I also felt moments of tears, missing the surface of ways in the persona of who my mom was. The cuteness in her mannerisms many times.. the way she danced.. how funny she was... the many times when she was in her heart and so how she was so sweet.. the times when she would get really excited about something and how nice it was to see her happy. ... the way her hand looked when I used to glance at it or hold her hand. I remember her nails. I remember the shape of her fingers. I remember how velvety soft her skin was. I remember how she looked in the colors of lipstick she used. I remember her eccentric outgoing lively vibe and her sassyness. I remember how full of life she was. I remember her lioness strength, her empowering determination and her fierce will power. I remember us bonding when I brought home a baby chicken (his name was Cabbage) who was sick and she helped me take care of him. Just a lot. Just a lot of her features. Just a lot of her gestures. Just a lot of her memories. And as much as I get the understanding of the yin and yang and the absolute beyond all things, my 'persona' dammit is pissed off!!! I fucking want her back. 

And so in a fetal position, and luckily in the absence of other people who were not yet there, cos it was so darn early, I allowed myself to cry extensively, to be mad, and feel crushed, by the existence that felt crushing, to me. 

Moments of peace. Moment of not peace. Moments of peace. Moments of not peace. 

Eventually the sun felt warmer and warmer and though I wanted to stay there forever, my body felt the need to go, and retrieve. 

As I stood and looked at the tomb stones next to her, it helped to see who her neighbors were. And how one of her neighbors there was actually a pioneer in the world of composting and environmental issues. It literally said it on his tomb stone. So I literally googled his name. How funny when googling becomes an actual word. Is the word google in the dictionaries out there today, I wonder?? Well anyways I looked him up and wow I thought. I have a huge compost in my back yard and I can't wait to learn about him more. I sent his information to my permaculture teacher and one of my kindest friends, Alex, right away. 

Being there this morning helped me also realize that nature has a way of soothing. It has a way of helping me see that some things are permeable while other things are impermeable. Nature helps me understand the conditional and gives me chance to transcend towards the unconditional.  The rain, the storms, the crushing waves that hurt and yet.. the rainbows and still waters of peace that also coincide within the contrasts of all that is; remind me of the lack of love in life when love is lacking, along with the presence of love when love IS present. Nature reminds me of seeing the value of love, within the expansive definition of what love truly really means, atleast to me. 

Perhaps before, to me, love many times meant pleasing others to feel a sense of belong and to be loved back.. although before I got glimpses of love, especially at work and with heart friends who during their most vulnerable of times they opened my heart by allowing me to open theirs, and vice versa. As I see it now more clearly, what many times I saw love then was based on trauma. 

Upon going thru the weakest points in my life, I found out more what love truly is and what love truly is not. When I prayed that day when so damn close to death, and love and healing surrounded me. I guess I got a bit of proof of the love that is always available to love. I realized then, that I was meant to stay longer in this earthly plane. I also realized that whether someone transcends this plane or stays in this plane, that grace and love always surrounds. What changes is whether we are willing to receive it. What changes is whether we are willing to retrieve it. What changes is whether we are ready to connect to it. And that maybe whether we stay here on earth or journey onto the next journey, to the heavens and beyond, we are always held by that divine love. Perhaps not always will be feel it but I think upon our willingness we begin to realize we are it, as it is us. The love within and throughout is made out of the same truth, the same essence. The brightness of the moon reminds us of the brightness of our soul. The tree is part of everything as everything is part of the tree. Interconnected-ness. One-ness. Nothing less. 

In times of pain, when I allow love in (from my heart and beyond-the love from beyond that is always available to love, whether we call that God, Angels, Divinity, etc) it truly is a beautiful thing.  As it is a beautiful thing  to share that love throughout when the heart is filled with love. 

We all have the capacity to love, if connected to the heart and depth of our being. Sometimes I am connected. And sometimes surely I am not. We all sometimes are. We all sometimes aren't. 

Seeing the oneness in he as is in me as is in she as is in we. That tenderness of love expands as we expand. The rain can be me, and the storms can be he, and the crushing waves can be she, and vice versa.. the rainbow and still waters of peace can be me, he, she, and or we as well. It can all be intertwined. We are all within the soup of all of this and that,  and within the space within all it carries. 

Well anyways... 

Went to trade Joe's after and when the person at the cashier's asked me if I was having a great day,  I  started tearing up. After they asked what's wrong and I told them, the person bagging my groceries left and came back with a beautiful bouquet of flowers (coincidently the colors of the flowers were the vibrant kind of colors my mom especially liked, they were specifically her kind of colors not mine (bright yellows, deep orange, magenta red and some shades of happy pink), and as it brought me comfort, they soon became my favorite colors now too). He said to me compassionately that these flowers are from my mom in heaven and that she is with me. Luckily I leaned over the counter area because the emotions I was experiencing were so strong and I was very appreciative of his kindness. I couldn't stop crying. I felt deep gratitude. And also I cried needed tears. 

While in the car, I continued to cry. Eventually.... I was ready to drive home but I quickly remembered the mother's day before covid in 2019 when I took my mom to Parlour Vegan Bakery in Boca Raton (for the 1st stop we went to) during that mother's day where we sat on the wooden benches inside the cafe. So when I went in, today, I just cried as I saw those same benches there. The same bench where she once sat is the same bench where she no longer sits.  I sat there for a long while. I remembered exactly where she sat that day. I remembered exactly what we ate that day. It felt like yesterday. But she wasn't there. She no longer is here. Her hands, her hair, her cuteness.. it still unbelievable that i cannot touch her hand and that I cannot hug her like before. 

I tried to contain myself.  It was difficult being there especially in the beginning but gradually being there became also healing. I finally got the strength to stand up and the girl who worked there was so sweet. I told her what was going on and she was very endearing and we spoke for a while. I saw tears coming from her heart and eyes and her genuine warmth and she was so sweet. She told me she had a tough morning and that she was glad because being with eachother helped us both come back to what matters, the heart. She got me a drink, and said it was her gift to me. On the cup, she wrote -you are loved and she even drew a kitten on the cup too. There were no people while I talked to her for like 15-20 minutes and then when i left that's when people came. As if God wanted me to have the space to be. With a heart friend. To heal. It was just so sweet the sweet people that crossed my path, while all the while earlier at the cemetery I tried to avoid people all together. What irony. 

So not sure if I can call this a happy mother's day but I guess that depends on my definition of what  happiness is. Maybe true happiness is not within the pendulum of happy and sad; and this and that; and /or the perfectly beautiful rose at its peak bloom and the imperfect shattered glass.

Maybe deep down, way deep, there IS the knowing that within everything that is finite, is that which is infinite.  Everything that's not love, eventually can lead us to love. Even more so. Beyond the stars. Beyond it all.