Freedom

 Freedom is right Here. Within it all. Not by spiritually bypassing all the bad to get to the good... but by navigating thru it all and going beyond it all. Moment by moment.  Learning more and more to be my best friend Ever. To bring a space of presence and compassion to every wound, hurt, sorrow, despair, anger.. within. Lost and found. Sinner and saint. Within and throughout. And the God space.. or essence.. of light or oneness or whatever the name but still the same truth that radiates. A butterfly flies when its light enough to. No longer held by the weighted chains. .. one moment at a time.

The screams from the soul

The pain buried while we're hurried 

With life somehow


It all seems okay until we can no longer hurry life enough

Because the pain is greater than anything else


Satisfaction is no longer satisfaction 

Distractions no longer give the necessary distraction  to take away the hole from the heart's greatest wounds


The heart

Is there deep within.

Before it was nice to help the world

It softened the heart many times

But getting really sick and getting really stuck within grief and pain definitely is a true confirmation of who the truest friends are and who the truest friends aren't 

So the cries

Continue

Mostly alone 

The bed seems to have glue

I can't seem to get off of it

But I can

But I can't

But I have to

Even if I must

But there is no urgency yet

But there should be

Deep down I hope there would be 

Maybe soon 

The willingness has to be stronger

Than the feeling of stuck 

Why

Why

Why is it so hard these days 

Please dear God 

I know I got this

I can do this

I can I can I can I can

(While I nod no) 

Maybe will believe it soon

(Trying to) Make peace with this world

 (Trying to) Make peace with this world


There is cruelty as there is kindness
This world has both of them
And it's not shy of showing it, sometimes

This world can be unpredictable and can also be prejudiced
This world can be insensitive and can also be mean

And then a kind heart arrives and reminds us back it is not all bad
Sometimes there is good, not just bad

But how can a person be a sinner and a saint
How can we ourselves give in to temptations that may not feel kind, whether in how we treat ourselves or others.
Sometimes not kind is a word too nice.. to describe the things we may do, or the things others do.

Many wish to create a certain image.. a certain reputation.. and they may be willing to lie.. deceive.. and hurt.. in order to  keep that image 'pure'

But what is pure and what is authentic.
Do we seek a mental image or do we seek authenticity?

Many live in hurt from all the hurt that has hurt their wounds
They perceive this world as unsafe, as untrustworthy

And maybe after years and lifetimes we come to a genuine understanding

That this cycle is a cycle.

And eventually every fire eventually burns out

No reasoning or logic can heal a tortured heart

Perhaps rather, our feelings and trauma eventually come back to a heart beyond human

Love is beyond human

The love in which all love is available to love carries within a definition that may feel more infinite versus finite.

Humanity feels cursed, yet perhaps
We're meant to understand humanity and its violence and its failures as well as its virtues and strengths.

Can we ever make peace with it?
Can we ever realize people will hate and people will love
There are consequences to hating, and many jails exist
So many jails exist
So many victims exist

We react
We react
I win you lose
I lose you win
But we
Isn't there an integration?
Aren't we from the same tree?
No, no way, we think of some and their evil ways..

There are so many layers
So many layers
So many personalitiesZ
So many illnesses
So many situations that are unforgivable

Bitter heart
Cries
And screams

Eventually the fire burns out outside
Eventually we're ready to extinguish the fire inside too


Time is time
Readiness is readiness

True justice is finding our freedom
And not getting completely taken by this humanity that at times is often calculated and flawed.

Empty awareness
Angelic flight
The density lessens
The butterfly is light enough to fly again now
It's been too long
It's been too long. 

When I forgive

When I forgive the other I forgive myself. 

When I forgive myself I forgive the other. 

My wish

To go beyond habit.. addiction.. mental agony.. and beliefs that are self sabotaging, IS courage. May we wear our truth well, knowing we deserve that which is beyond these limited traits that try to take over our soul. May we not let it!! May we know our worth, even if we have to at whatever age, and grow those seeds of truth from scratch. May we unlearn every lie and may we learn again to fly. That is my wish for us all!!!!

The disease can lie -mental health

 I just heard about how Naomi Judd recently died and saw the interview her daughter felt the need to have to do. Her daughter mentioned that even though it was too soon after her mother's death to have an interview like this, she and her family felt they needed to speak, so at least, the public can hear from her first and foremost (as she was speaking in behalf of the family) and not from others, as sadly the story will come out one way or another. So I gathered from what she said how there was who Naomi was and there was also what the disease was. And how sometimes the disease makes people do what they do. I believe she said something along the lines of how the disease makes one feel unworthy, and how the disease makes one feel lots of things that are not true. 

It's really sad when we allow 'the disease'  of mental health to make the decisions of what to do with our lives and with our bodies. A decision can be staying in bed all day because we don't think we can do anything productive. A decision can be to grab a knife and end it all because it's not worth it, because we're not worth it. Or a decision can be anything in between. The sad part is when we believe it. The sad part is when we believe we deserve anything absent from kindness. The sad part is sometimes perhaps we were taught at an early age that we were not good or we were not this or we were not that and that sometimes it stuck. The sad part is to believe lies. And act on it. The sad part is when we feel alone because we think others don't care, when indeed may be certain others do. 

Sometimes the "disease" really pretends to be us, yet it is based many times on past trauma and beliefs, rather misbeliefs, portrayed to be true, yet are nothing of the sort. 

To move beyond mountains is to sometimes move beyond a state of mind that can be so self harming. Some people are so good at being the narcissistic type, the one to abuse and manipulate another person for self gratification. Yet other people may have gotten really good at believing lies that they are not good, that they are not strong, that they are not smart, that they are not worthy, that they can't, that they can't, that there is no hope, that they will continue to fail. And it feels as if they are (or the disease rather) abusive to themselves. 

Naomi Judd, I'm so sorry for your pain. 

Naomi Judd, I'm so sorry you felt you needed to take your life. 

Thank you for your music, your heart, and the teachings you are reminding us today. 

I am reminded to not believe the "disease". 

I sometimes do believe the "disease".

I pray for everyone going thru mental health issues. 

I pray for all of us going thru suffering of any kind. 

I pray we look outside the box.

Sometimes the answer is not within our habits or beliefs (as many beliefs are often jaded)

We can!

We can!!

We can!!!

We can

Master 

Our thoughts.

One moment at a time

Lies the opportunity for new habits 

And ways to do things differently

So we can trust ourselves more.

We may feel a sense of accomplishment because we DID this today..

We may feel another sense of accomplishment because we did that today...

We may feel bad because we went back to old habits again...

We may self sabotage....

And after some months get back again and treat ourselves well again...

And then maybe after some months, we may get stuck upon old ways again..making us lose trust in ourselves again..feeling overwhelmed with life again..

Maybe

Hopefully

We come to a point 

That we become honest with ourselves and understand that regardless REGARDLESS if we accomplished this... or that...

Or if we did not accomplish this.. or that..

That we are still worthy of love 

It almost feels like "the disease" or rather (to me it feels like) the traumas growing up made us believe that to be loved, we needed to be this way or that way..etc..etc..

But who is to say..

What if... 

What if....

What if.... we could be open to the notion that we are LOVED, regardless (REGARDLESS) if we accomplish this/that or whether we don't. 

What if... what if... we can be open to the idea of loving ourselves unconditionally just like we always wanted others to love us unconditionally. Perhaps we always wanted others to accept us as we are (instead of criticize, or control us to be what they want us to be, etc). Perhaps we always wanted others to respect us (our autonomy, our wishes, our rights, our space). But what if everything we have been taught out there is a reminder to love ourselves and accept ourselves and respect ourselves in ways that we deserve. And instead of depending on others to love and accept and respect us, we choose to step into that role ourselves. 

But then comes the "disease". The habits are strong and the tendencies are deep. The root of this spineless tree needs an axe or two, or rather 10, and many years of breaking it into extinction. Can the "disease" ever be broken into extinction?

May we look within to the pain that perhaps has felt silenced within 

May we look within to the cries that have felt unnoticed and invalidated

May we look within and let our body teach us what it needs

May we look within and call the "disease" a different name

There once was a time this little child, strong and curious, met the fury of the world. This child no longer saw himself or herself as strong and curious anymore. 

Everytime another beating took place (whether the beating was emotional, mental, physical, sexual, etc) the child became more confused. The child had to create some kinds of beliefs. Perhaps the child thought there was something wrong with him or her, otherwise why would anyone do something so hurtful.. the reasonings turned into beliefs.. one by one.. the beliefs turned into a disease... one by one..

Sometimes its not what we do but the peace within what we do

Sometimes before feeling able to accomplish whatever we want to accomplish..

 whatever tasks

Or whatever desire we seek...

Maybe we can first focus on the foundation.

Maybe our soul really needs our heart to open up to whatever we can or whatever we can't  (as maybe in the moment we may feel we can't because we are struggling with something in particular). 

We sometimes are hard on ourselves

We want to be able to do a,b, and c yet "the disease" keeps us stuck it seems. 

So maybe instead of the "disease" being the enemy,

Maybe we can see it

As the part of us, deep within, that felt alone and scared, as a child, perhaps.

Maybe

We are not who we think we are

In truth

We are so much more than that

Please God

Help me 

Help us

Find our way

To truth.

Let us not be tempted by the addictions we've created and in the beliefs that sometimes feel (that is bigger than anything we could ever think ourselves to be)

What we think ourselves to be may not be who we are

May our exploration continue

But 

Let us not stay too long amongst lies 

My heart accompanies you

 A note to self

'My heart accompanies you'

I used these words today for my friend
Yet I see these words deserve them
To be used for myself as well

And so I will

My heart accompanies you
I know sometimes it doesn't
I know sometimes that my actions don't show
The kindness that deserves to flow
Within my path

I know that habits sometimes are stronger
Than my perseverance
My will sometimes becomes faded
My time sometimes becomes jaded

A feeling of 'I can't' uphold subconscious streams
While cries and screams try to climb out of these prison beams
My cat cries perhaps he hears mine
My heart heartbroken with life

The mind is definitely a winded channel
It seems we must figure out what is hoax and what to rattle

I rattle the lies that started when I was young
Being told 'this and that' helped them feel strong

We can go beyond whatever measure within our restrictions
If we can only first see the lies that are imprinted within the structure of our visions

An innocent child starts out life sometimes with curiosity and eyes full of life
But sometimes the darkness preys and gazes upon the light
It manipulates and brainwashes, and always for control
And the innocent child now sees life as the other's creation created its unfold

Years later
Pain later
And lots of confusion

Stuck feelings
Stuck being
And stuck within illusions

We get mad at ourselves because we're not efficient with our time
But when we think about it wisely
We are just healing as best as we could ever have realized

Healing is a day to day journey it helps to be compassionate
Slowly things become more clear
as we fill ourselves with love and kindness

No longer do we choose patterns that reflect upon our past
Probably because we've been there.. done that..  

Far too many times.. perhaps

It's a new moment
What can I do now
I can change the sails
And see a new horizon with oceans of a clear blue

But somedays the rain become louder than pain
And it's good, it's a good distraction so that I can feel less pain today

Everyday is a struggle in a tortured heart
Until the torture is cared for by a beloved heart
And so I look within and see the traumas inside of me
And give it the kindness that it deserves to see


Dear body within I choose to be your friend
I know it's hard for you to trust

Yet you still let my heart go in

Dear body within I'm sorry that I don't know how to self love
The way you need right now
I might need your guidance and I hope you remind me with a tug or two somehow
I may need a boost or a help
I'm so used to spending my life loving everyone else

But truly I want to be your best friend dear body within
You went thru enough misery to deserve even more from me

So now I get up because I know I can
May depression kiss my ass
Because I'm ready to heal the pain

I know it takes courage to not resist the walls within
But how can I heal the wounds when I just want to cover it, and bury it in

Little by little the shattered pieces...
I continue to pick them up
It's a moment to moment thing 

this life... these thoughts...

Even if the courage takes years
I'm willing to act patiently
Some people really did a number on me
You would think old men wouldn't want to touch little girls sexually

Many years later
I realize
This world has 2 trees
One that you want to hug
And the other one that bites because snakes live in it constantly

It's ok
It just takes more mindfulness to know what we can trust
But I'm learning the wisest thing is the thing that comes from our  own deepest love

Everyday
Is a journey
The lack of love we have felt
Eventually does surface out thru our pores
And little by little we face it as best as we can,
While giving it our all, while giving it our best

We fall
We get
Up
And again we fall

We learn to get up better
We learn to stay up longer
Even though we still often fall

Meditation has been a saving grace
Even though it takes bravery to sit with the pain we often never want to face

It takes friendship to mend a broken heart
And when we can be a best friend to ourselves
What a pretty start
Well may not be pretty all the time
It's like learning to drive a stick
Change is sometimes difficult
The car suddenly keeps stopping
Each time we shift

But life is like that
Even if things start clumsily
May we keep going

WE ARE WORTH IT!!
And even though we may have been told by many others
We weren't, they DIDN'T know shit!!

We ARE special
Large banner
We say it loud
And after a while of convincing ourselves
Perhaps we actually believe it, if we allow

Oh dear God
Please help me accommodate my pain
May my heart accompany each cry
May my mind be ready to shed rain 
Of how lost souls used me for their gain
I choose to go beyond it
I choose God
I choose faith

I choose God
I choose faith

I choose God
I choose faith