I just heard about how Naomi Judd recently died and saw the interview her daughter felt the need to have to do. Her daughter mentioned that even though it was too soon after her mother's death to have an interview like this, she and her family felt they needed to speak, so at least, the public can hear from her first and foremost (as she was speaking in behalf of the family) and not from others, as sadly the story will come out one way or another. So I gathered from what she said how there was who Naomi was and there was also what the disease was. And how sometimes the disease makes people do what they do. I believe she said something along the lines of how the disease makes one feel unworthy, and how the disease makes one feel lots of things that are not true.
It's really sad when we allow 'the disease' of mental health to make the decisions of what to do with our lives and with our bodies. A decision can be staying in bed all day because we don't think we can do anything productive. A decision can be to grab a knife and end it all because it's not worth it, because we're not worth it. Or a decision can be anything in between. The sad part is when we believe it. The sad part is when we believe we deserve anything absent from kindness. The sad part is sometimes perhaps we were taught at an early age that we were not good or we were not this or we were not that and that sometimes it stuck. The sad part is to believe lies. And act on it. The sad part is when we feel alone because we think others don't care, when indeed may be certain others do.
Sometimes the "disease" really pretends to be us, yet it is based many times on past trauma and beliefs, rather misbeliefs, portrayed to be true, yet are nothing of the sort.
To move beyond mountains is to sometimes move beyond a state of mind that can be so self harming. Some people are so good at being the narcissistic type, the one to abuse and manipulate another person for self gratification. Yet other people may have gotten really good at believing lies that they are not good, that they are not strong, that they are not smart, that they are not worthy, that they can't, that they can't, that there is no hope, that they will continue to fail. And it feels as if they are (or the disease rather) abusive to themselves.
Naomi Judd, I'm so sorry for your pain.
Naomi Judd, I'm so sorry you felt you needed to take your life.
Thank you for your music, your heart, and the teachings you are reminding us today.
I am reminded to not believe the "disease".
I sometimes do believe the "disease".
I pray for everyone going thru mental health issues.
I pray for all of us going thru suffering of any kind.
I pray we look outside the box.
Sometimes the answer is not within our habits or beliefs (as many beliefs are often jaded)
We can!
We can!!
We can!!!
We can
Master
Our thoughts.
One moment at a time
Lies the opportunity for new habits
And ways to do things differently
So we can trust ourselves more.
We may feel a sense of accomplishment because we DID this today..
We may feel another sense of accomplishment because we did that today...
We may feel bad because we went back to old habits again...
We may self sabotage....
And after some months get back again and treat ourselves well again...
And then maybe after some months, we may get stuck upon old ways again..making us lose trust in ourselves again..feeling overwhelmed with life again..
Maybe
Hopefully
We come to a point
That we become honest with ourselves and understand that regardless REGARDLESS if we accomplished this... or that...
Or if we did not accomplish this.. or that..
That we are still worthy of love
It almost feels like "the disease" or rather (to me it feels like) the traumas growing up made us believe that to be loved, we needed to be this way or that way..etc..etc..
But who is to say..
What if...
What if....
What if.... we could be open to the notion that we are LOVED, regardless (REGARDLESS) if we accomplish this/that or whether we don't.
What if... what if... we can be open to the idea of loving ourselves unconditionally just like we always wanted others to love us unconditionally. Perhaps we always wanted others to accept us as we are (instead of criticize, or control us to be what they want us to be, etc). Perhaps we always wanted others to respect us (our autonomy, our wishes, our rights, our space). But what if everything we have been taught out there is a reminder to love ourselves and accept ourselves and respect ourselves in ways that we deserve. And instead of depending on others to love and accept and respect us, we choose to step into that role ourselves.
But then comes the "disease". The habits are strong and the tendencies are deep. The root of this spineless tree needs an axe or two, or rather 10, and many years of breaking it into extinction. Can the "disease" ever be broken into extinction?
May we look within to the pain that perhaps has felt silenced within
May we look within to the cries that have felt unnoticed and invalidated
May we look within and let our body teach us what it needs
May we look within and call the "disease" a different name
There once was a time this little child, strong and curious, met the fury of the world. This child no longer saw himself or herself as strong and curious anymore.
Everytime another beating took place (whether the beating was emotional, mental, physical, sexual, etc) the child became more confused. The child had to create some kinds of beliefs. Perhaps the child thought there was something wrong with him or her, otherwise why would anyone do something so hurtful.. the reasonings turned into beliefs.. one by one.. the beliefs turned into a disease... one by one..
Sometimes its not what we do but the peace within what we do
Sometimes before feeling able to accomplish whatever we want to accomplish..
whatever tasks
Or whatever desire we seek...
Maybe we can first focus on the foundation.
Maybe our soul really needs our heart to open up to whatever we can or whatever we can't (as maybe in the moment we may feel we can't because we are struggling with something in particular).
We sometimes are hard on ourselves
We want to be able to do a,b, and c yet "the disease" keeps us stuck it seems.
So maybe instead of the "disease" being the enemy,
Maybe we can see it
As the part of us, deep within, that felt alone and scared, as a child, perhaps.
Maybe
We are not who we think we are
In truth
We are so much more than that
Please God
Help me
Help us
Find our way
To truth.
Let us not be tempted by the addictions we've created and in the beliefs that sometimes feel (that is bigger than anything we could ever think ourselves to be)
What we think ourselves to be may not be who we are
May our exploration continue
But
Let us not stay too long amongst lies
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